he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
