I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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