I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
