I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
