He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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