Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
