She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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