This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
