nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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