If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
