youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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