Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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