Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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