im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
