sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
