im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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