I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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