I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
