I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
