my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
