I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He better not be in your backpack
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
