maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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