Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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