I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
