Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
