Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
