So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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