if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
