I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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