You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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