i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
