do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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