I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
