...so i touched it.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
