So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
