yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
