I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
