When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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