Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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