come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
