I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
