If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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