I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
