i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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