You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
