I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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