I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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