I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
