Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
