He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
