I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Help. Why am I so naked?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
