My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My dick has a subreddit
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
