I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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