apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
