Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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